Patriarchy on The Court: Not Very Sporting

"I had fun!" Our eight year old beamed as she came off court from her 68th game.
It was the first game of the new season and the first game she had ever played on an all girls side. Since February 2014 Gaia has played on a mixed community basketball team. Until last season there were always three or more girls on her team, but there was poor organisation in the lead up to the season and all the parents with daughters pulled their girls from the side, under the impression that there wouldn't be a mixed team. Our family missed all of this and signed Gaia up as we do each season, only to discover that she was the only girl and playing in a boys league.

Initially we didn't mind. I thought it may even help her skills...getting the same coaching given to the boys (because I had noticed that the boys sides tend to get more dedicated coaches). I played on mixed netball sides at her age and it made for some of the best sporting moments of my life. It had been suggested to me that she would become a more aggressive player and be unstoppable when she joined the girls league later. This turned out to prove false. Instead, we learned that the patriarchy is strong even in children under the age of eight.

I wasn't able to make it to a lot of her games that particular season. When she came home from games I would ask her how it went and want a blow by blow description, but she had very little to say. Sometimes all she would say was "I only got the ball once", or "I didn't get to touch the ball today". She didn't complain, though she was obviously disappointed. She was upset that the boys never passed to her. It was something all the parents noticed too.

Parents spoke to their sons about passing to Gaia (who was always free because no one on the opposing teams took her seriously either). But no matter how much we screamed from the sidelines they still searched for the one talented male player and passed to him, even if all five opponents were guarding him.

When she did get the ball the other team descended on her like a flock of vultures. The games that I attended I noticed that they were far more aggressive with her than with the others....if she had the ball she got shoved, pinched, grabbed, smacked, punched (as did the ball). As soon as she got the ball the other team were fouled. But then the ball would be given to one of her male teammates to throw in, rather than her....so even when she got the ball there was little she could do.

Because I hadn't been to a game in a while I noticed a very big regression in her skill level when I returned court-side one day. She rarely went for the ball, she'd lost her edge. When she happened to get the ball she quickly got rid of it, she never held it for longer than a second, passing to her male teammates, automatically assuming they'd know what to do with it (and a message not so subtly screamed at her by the teammates who hated when she got the ball because they had decided she wasn't good because she was a girl. It had become a self-fufilling prophecy, they never passed to her because she was a girl so her skills regressed from lack of engagement). My heart broke for her when I saw the change. She used to be confident, she used to the be the kid on the side who got the ball from the enemy's end down to ours, pass it on and assist with the goal, if not shoot it herself. It also stung to see how much the boys had progressed.

I also noticed that Gaia's sex was impacting how she was trained. While our coach would yell instructions from the sidelines to the boys, he went silent when it came to Gaia. I didn't realise this until late in  the season. Seeing the change in her I took to reminding her of her skill. I called from the sidelines, telling her to get in there, go for it, "Take it! Take the ball! SHOOT!" And she started to play more like her old self.

After that game the other parents were astounded. "She really listens to you!", "She does what you tell her!", "Amazing game, Gaia!", "You were on fire!" And then in struck me: I give her instruction, the coach doesn't. While he stood on the sidelines yelling instructions to the boys, but not Gaia...I'm assuming because girls are made of glass and if you give them loud direction in a sporting match they'll break? I pulled the coach aside after that and said "Don't be afraid to yell at her, like you yell at the boys. She can take it and she needs it. Look at how she played today. She needs more instruction." The coach took it on, but it was so late in the season, the damage was done and two weeks later we were at our break-up function.

There was an attitude problem too. At the end of each game it was an effort to get the boys to shake hands with one another, or to do so respectfully. It was this obligatory nuisance they did half-heartedly, avoiding eye contact and grunting at one another. Most of the time it was an effort to find a single player on the opposing side to shake Gaia's hand at all. It may seem like a small thing to "nit-pick", but it's not...it's about the culture we're creating, it's about the tone we set for this generation and how we teach them to enjoy sport. Shaking hands at the end of the game is meant to bring us back to the very point of sport: coming together for fun! What's the point of sport if not to learn how to be a good sport? We're meant to thank each other for the time and the challenge. And in terms of patriarchy and smashing it? Well, this is where it begins, it's in these tiny details that we begin to bring down the entitled bullshit that exists on a spectrum...where at one end we have kids who take their competitive sport too seriously to the other end where grown men commit assault.

At the start of the season my feminism told me: girls can do anything boys can, and being the only girl on court every game of the season was character building. But the season changed me too. I learned the importance of female only spaces. I saw the sweet little faces of 8 year old misogyny. I was astounded by how internalised the patriarchy had already become in these tiny little basketballers, some no older than six! And the equality based messages given by parents at training were a drop in the patriarchy's ocean. It was disheartening to see how those little boys had already come to swallow society's sexist messages. They were a boys club! Individually, they were nice enough kids, but ultimately they were a sexist boys club.

That season Gaia and I had to have some hard conversations. She faced sexual oppression, she learned that there are people in the world who think boys are better than girls and underestimate girls. She learned that you can't stand back and wait for boys to share what belongs to us all, you have to demand and take from boys. She learned that telling boys the difference between equality and inequality does nothing to change their actions. She may not have learned much about basketball, but she learned more than most men ever come to understand about sexual politics.

Her birthday pushed her up into the next age group and there are no mixed sides allowed from under 10s onwards. She never again has to play with or against males. Over the break she said to us "do you think my new team will pass me the ball?" and we told her we hoped so (cue glass shattering heart break sound).

At the first game of the Winter season none of the girls had met before (due to a mix up that meant there was no training before the first game). Despite a lack of history the girls pulled together and made a formidable team. There was clearly one stand-out player, but she shared the ball with her teammates, she congratulated their efforts and they all looked around for whom to pass to, rather than simply passing to her every time. The coach spread his attention evenly among the girls, and it felt amazing to watch our daughter receive some positive reinforcement and guidance. And the girls listened and took on board the instructions given to them, like "pass to X", they made smarter choices when it came to passes, they never tried to do it all single handed (which was a huge problem on the boys side!)

Going for goal in her new team

In one game it felt like Gaia got the ball more times than she had the entire previous season. She scored a goal,
she did her old move: getting the ball down to our end with speed, and the whole game she had this wide eyed look of ecstasy on her face. Basketball was fun again.

When she came off court she was positively beaming. She was completely surprised by how much fun she had experienced. And when she exclaimed "That was fun!" I was teary, realising just how oppressive last season had been for our joyful daughter. It's going to be a great Winter :D

Girls make for great sportsmen!

There are worse things than living with Autism

This week we had our daughter's final diagnostic session with her psychologist. Her official opinion is that our girl is indeed autistic. I decided not to go straight home, instead I took the kids to a nearby ('pirate ship!') playground and decided to forget about the world.

Let me sail away from reality for a while...

We were soaking up the Autumn sunshine after a cold and wet morning. I ran around with the kids and enjoyed their happy faces and crazy antics. Usually I'm at the park with them and a group of friends, so I'm busy talking to other parents rather than playing. It was nice to get lost in the moment with the girls, and be a stranger to everyone else at the park.

I had to sit down to feed the baby and an older woman approached me to ask if the school holidays had finished yet, she was holidaying from interstate and thought the children were due back in school.
'They have" I replied, 'we homeschool, that's why my big kids are here today' I explained.
'So what do you make of all these changes in schools?' She asked.
'I think the only way for White Australia and Black Australia to move forward is with an honest understanding of our history, including the ugly.' I replied, thinking she was asking me about the embarrasing controversy* in which white people got upset about university students being asked to refer to English "discovery" of Australia as "invasion".
'No, no, not that. I mean this awful safe schools business.'
'Oh' I found myself dumbfounded.

Safe Schools is a program to educate students about sexual diversity. It introduces students to common sense concepts like respect.
'Well, it's good...it's just life' I began before being interrupted.
 'Children don't need to learn about those sorts of things so young!'
'They already know, that's what I'm saying, it's just life and kids-'
'In this day and age. It's terrible. I never knew about it as a child. Growing up in New Zealand you never met a person like that.'
'Yes you did. You absolutely met gay people, you just didn't realise it.'
What I failed to have the presence of mind to tell her at the time was that she didn't realise she was currently talking to a bisexual woman. But it got worse and in the end it was probably wise I let her think I was heterosexual (though I feel sick about it now...but my bi invisibility as a mother is another matter for another post).

'There are gay children in school right now, and they need support and safety' I said.
'Kids are so suggestable! As I'm sure you know, as a mother. You can make a child think anything' (like that there's no such thing as gay? Yes, I've seen your kind "making children think", despicable, you're the reason we so desperately need the safe school program). She went on: 'I knew a young man who thought he was gay, in university, you know how it is, they get all confused at university. But he's not and he knows that now and he's happily married. So you see..'
I could dissect this one sentence and write an entire post about it alone, but I'll quickly just offer this symphony of hashtags for my critique: #bisexualityisreal #bivisibility #sexualdiversityisntaphase #becausefuckyou

At this point she revealed the completely unsurprising fact that she identifies as a Christian and that she could never be convinced homosexuality was acceptable because it's a sin, plain and simple.
'It's clearly there in The Bible.' She frothed.
I am now suffering a terrible case of the Should-ve-saids...I should have been snarky and said: Well, my Christian friends and I don't base our opinions of the education system on the ramblings of a group of men two thousand years dead. Or I could have memorised this ahead of time:

The West Wing for the win

But I didn't. I must finally be accepting my parent's early teaching: you can't argue with an idiot, because I stayed calm and continued to insert my dissenting opinion when she paused to steal valuable oxygen from the atmosphere.

I despise "The Bible" argument (you might have surmised). Once upon a time I identified as a Christian, myself. During this time I read The Bible and I managed not to turn into an arsehole. There's this guy in The Bible and he's basically The Anti This-woman.
'Yes, but what about the life and teachings of your Christ?' I asked, 'What would Jesus make of the safe school program? What did he have to say about the marginalised people of society? And who did he hang out with?'
'He changed lives! He associated with fallen women and then they stopped working as prostitutes because of him.'
#lostcause

'Have you read The Bible?' she asked indignintly.
'I have' I replied.
'Yes, but have you studied The Bible'
'Yes, I have. I was raised by fundamentalist Christians, I was very devout until I was 20, I'm no longer Christian. But even when I was, I did not interpret the life of Christ the way you have chosen to interpret it'. I said as respectfully as is possible under the circumstances.
'Well I've been reading Revelations. You'll never convince me to turn away from faith. Christ is my saviour.'
Not that I hoped to turn you away from your faith, but you're the one who has completely missed the point of your Messiah!
Another Christian who has yet to "find Jesus"
...there are too many to count.

At this point my recently labelled "autistic" daughter needed her drink bottle re-filled and I had to find a water tap. I had to wrap this exchange up as best I could and as quick as I could before my girl started losing her shit. I went with:
'I think the safe schools program is a step in the right direction, because anything that challenges stigma and shame is good for society.'

I've been reeling ever since. As the girls continued playing, I stood watching them and wondering 'Why???? Why did the universe have to send me a bigot while I was trying to enjoy the park with my kids and process the news that one of them has autism????' Then it struck me...There are worse things than living with autism.

My daughter may find certain aspects of socialisation challenging. She may struggle with fine motor skills, language and comprehension. She may always find new people and places difficult, she may live with anxiety her whole life and be triggered by loud noises and crowds. She may prefer screens over nature walks and My Little Ponies over people. But she is safe and she is loved. She will grow up knowing the feeling of acceptance....she will not have to fear coming out to her family if she is a lesbian or indeed if she is asexual. She will not learn to hate or fear people with different orientations or beliefs from her own.

My daughter is autistic, and her empathy and social skills are still light years ahead of middle-aged conservatives.

So glad I decided to take them to the park

*I'm embarrassed that this was controversial. It is factually incorrect to refer to European arrival as "discovery" given science has shown that the First Australians were here for literally thousands of years before that point! And history has shown us European arrival involved the systematic oppression and mass murder of Indigenous Australians.

8 year old with a message for her government

I mentioned last week that we've embarked on some Australian themed social studies. Gaia's questions about refugees came just in time for the epic Palm Sunday walk for justice.

She can't comprehend the government's current policy (and it's got nothing to do with her comprehension!) She made a sign and experienced her first protest march yesterday (actually...she's been to other protest marches in a baby sling, but this is her first on foot and by her choice).

A couple of weeks ago we joined a group of families in our area to stand together for a photo to contribute to the #letthemstay social media movement. We made some new friends and Gaia learnt about refugees. Afterwards she said "next time, can we make a sign?" I was pleasantly surprised she had already decided there would be a next time she stood up for asylum seekers.

We have so much in Australia, we could share it. The reality is that asylum seeking families are being used by our government as political pawns, and not just by our current governemnt. For well over a decade now, the political party in power has used refugees and emigration to divide the nation and incite fear. By keeping us divided and afraid they are free to rule as they please and sell it to us as keeping us safe: "protecting our borders", "turning back the boats" as if we're under attack. We are not being invaded, we are being asked to find our compassion and open our doors to people who have lost everything and risked the rest (including their lives) in search of basic human rights (food, shelter, water, safety from bombs). 

At the Palm Sunday gathering speakers from Jews For Refugees, a Christian minister and a Muslim gentleman stood together and each told of how their religion teaches that the Australian Government's treatment of refugees is immoral. The woman from JFR said many of the people alive in Australia today owe their lives to people smugglers of the 1930s and 40s in Europe. This is not to suggest that people smugglers are honest people doing this work out of the goodness of their hearts, we know that high prices are paid to smugglers for entry into abominable conditions on the high seas, just for a shot at a safer life (or a life at all!). And when they reach our shores they're turned away to camps on surrounding islands where they spend years waiting to "be processed". 

A man who had lived in one of these camps in the late 1990s shared some of his experiences at the Palm Sunday rally. He said there were no real doctors, and when you were ill you were told "drink more water." In recent years we've learned that many asylum seekers have been sexually abused by their captors, including children. The Australian Government has worked hard to cover up these autrocities and have threatened imprisonment to any doctors who go to the camps and make public what they witness. But teachers and doctors have listened to their consciences over their fears and spoken up.

Australia has a long history of hypocrisy and subjugating any group that is not of white-Western-European descent. Sometimes our schools teach students how abhorrent our past is...and yet no connection is made between the horrors of the past and horrors of the present (or at least they weren't when I was in school, I'm sure some schools do so today, including the one's represented at the rally on Palm Sunday). I'm fed up with my Government apologising for "mistakes" they were very committed to in our history. Saying sorry means you will do everything in your power not to repeat your mistake (is what we teach our children), but our Government continues to do the wrong thing and try to convince us it is for our own good.

The solution is simple and would cost The Government less than the current inhumane policy.

Let them stay.

For more on refugees and Australia:

Asylum seekers can be managed with cheaper and more humane options

Asylum Seeker Resource Centre

Australia: Damning evidence of officals' involvement in transnational crimes


Grandmothers Against Detention of Refugee Children 

Illegal Maritime Arrivals - Australian Government Department of Immigration and Boarder Protection 

Julian Burnside - human rights lawyer 

Manus Island: What will it take to shock us?

Mums 4 Refugees

Naru detention centre not safe for children, says Senate committee calling for full audit into abuse claims 

White Australia's Black Past, an introduction.

Today's book learnin' is brought to you by Mum's white guilt. Gaia was confusing refugees with Indigenous Australians, so we set to work clearing that up with a discussion about pre-history,  First Australians, European imperialism, colonialism, & reconciliation. 

One of the passages we read mentioned a shift in European thinking in the 1700s from enlightenment/all men are created equal philosophies to the hierarchical racist thinking which continues today, that European society is civilised & other cultures are inferior. The author suggested this shift occurred as Europeans came in to more frequent contact with First Nations peoples around the world. It was satisfying to see how utterly insane these concepts were to an 8 year old. She couldn't fathom anyone thinking one group of people are better than another. She believes difference is natural and important, that it makes the world a better place. Racism is learnt. 

We have just scratched the surface of White Australia's Black History, a subject we will never stop learning in this lifetime.

We pulled out Mum's fine arts books cataloging some of the work of Indigenous artists (art is Gaia's favoured language). We learnt that the legend of the rainbow serpent is the longest surviving belief in human history! She already knew a little about ancient indigenous art and "dot paintings", but we also took a look at some more contemporary works. It's important for all Australians to understand that our black history is not in the past, and to begin this with Gaia, we've started appreciating a wider range of art by 20th and 21st century First Australian artists.

Once she grasped the fundamental difference between Indigenous Australians and refugess (the former being The First Australians, here for tens of thousands of years and the later coming to Australia for the first time, in search of safety) we explored some of the links between Indigenous Australians and refugees. This links included: European Australian racism and hypocrisy, and draconian governmental approaches to the issues faced by both groups (though I may not have used the word "draconian").

It was a lot to take in, but she is hungry for more, and I'm relieved I didn't overwhelm her. I resent the way our black history was taught to us in school in the 80s and 90s (though I recognise I was fortunate to attend schools that mentioned it at all!). Australian history was presented in an Us Vs The fashion, which left students with the impression that Indigenous Australians were whiney and stuck in the past. It certainly was not taught in a way that promoted a thirst for more knowledge or desire for reconciliation or treaty. I was determined not to let that happen at our home school.