Autism & Unschooling: when Someone Else didn't check themself...

When it began to dawn on me that our daughter is not "just a little quirky" I felt guilty for not realising sooner than she may be on the autism spectrum. I shared this shame with my fully-grown autistic friend and she said: "You didn't realise because you were coping so well! You've always been really good at meeting your children where they're at." For that: I credit our school free lives. Unschooling means that I never expected my child to meet developmental milestones at the same time as her peers. Unschooling helps me be flexible and accommodating in negotiating how we spend our days and it gives my daughter more control over her life than if she were made to fit herself into a schooling schedule. Learning that she is autistic has not changed our education plans, but this was a concern for Someone Else.

Unschooling is working really well for each of our children. Our daughter doesn't need school to become a functioning adult, or to learn how to set and achieve goals. But, even if you put those things aside, we would not consider school for our autistic daughter because her anxiety and communication issues would make it incredibly difficult for her to participate in traditional schooling.

Homeschoolers know that if ever they express dissatisfaction with any aspect of their daily lives they will be met with "send the kids to school." So I should not have been surprised that Someone Else felt school would solve this autism problem too. When I made it clear school was not an option that's when it kicked off:
"Oh my heart! I feel so sad for her." Someone Else stated with melodrama. "What makes you think she couldn't cope with school?"
"I know my child and-"
"Everyone thinks they know their child but..."
What followed was a lecture in which I was told that I can't meet my child's needs, only school can do that. I was told that as her mother I underestimate my daughter's abilities and that if I sent her to school she could reach her full potential and stop being held back by me. I was doing my daughter a disservice by denying her enrollment to a special school (the assumption being that if traditional schooling won't work, surely a school for the developmentally delayed will).
 
If you're wondering how I could  let someone speak to me like this, just know that I have a lot of experience with being treated as subhuman. This sort of offensive, patronising rudeness is all part of the "having female genitalia" package. Also, by choosing to home educate your children you cease to be fully human because homeschooling is an "alternative lifestyle choice" ("alternative" being a code word for "unworthy of respect").

The implication that I am holding my daughter back reveals Someone Else's ignorance about autism. Sending her to school will not suddenly "correct" whatever it is about her brain that makes her anxious about groups of people, and transitioning between activities. She's not going to magically learn to speak clearly from school teachers and students (because if it were that simple she would already be speaking clearly from learning at home with us, jut as her siblings have!).

What is it about school that Someone Else wants for my daughter? In a mainstream school my child would have to compete with twenty other children for the attention of her teacher. Funding issues mean that she is not guaranteed an aid worker in class with her. At home the worst the teacher:child ratio gets is 1:4...but our active lives and local homeschooling community mean there are frequently many adults. Our daughter's music teacher pointed out that our daughter is highly intelligent and if she could get into a "special school" she would quickly be the lowest priority in a roomful of very needy little learners.

If I sent my child to school she would spend hours at a time in a single room with twenty other children her own age. At home she is free to spend her time in any room or outside. We spend a lot more time out and about than at home, though. My point is that she is never confined. If she becomes overwhelmed seeking refuge is simple.

If she is unready or unable to perform a certain task, we leave it be and come back to it when she is ready. She has a say in what she learns, how she learns, and when she learns it (same as her siblings). If we start a new activity we can give her plenty of attention and support preparing. If she's anxious we can take the time to work through it with her. We know what situations make her anxious, we know how to help her deal with these situations and the anxiety. We know when a little encouragement will help her try something new and we know when a little encouragement will cause her anxiety to spike. And for all the times that we don't know for sure: we try, we observe, we wait, we see, we adjust, and most importantly: we love.

No teacher, no matter how great, cares more about our child's welfare than we do (and teachers agree). Even the most devoted teacher is not there for our daughter, like we are as her educators. Teachers are there for everyone's daughters. Perhaps Someone Else thinks that teachers have advanced training in educating autistic children? Given the constant efforts of other parents working to make schools safe and supportive for their autistic children, I'm going to hazard a guess that there's not a teacher alive who understands autism better than the parents who live with it. From what I can tell it is generally the parents of autistic children who are raising the awareness, advocating for their children's rights and needs and working with teachers and the community to get a better system for their often bullied, shamed and misunderstood children. Furthermore, given the lack of understanding of autism in girls, even within the psychological profession, I don't have faith that the average school teacher is equipped to meet my daughter's needs in a classroom.

School would be my daughter's nightmare. An enclosed space for much of the day, many people in that space, her activities prescribed to her for a set amount of time and these activities stopping and starting frequently throughout the day. It would take a massive amount of physical, mental and emotional energy for her to survive the world of school. We don't have to do that to her, we can provide a learning environment better suited to her needs without school and she can save all that energy to focus more on the things that inspire her. Perhaps by giving her a school free education she can spend the energy she saves on not dealing with the classroom, on facing the challenges her neurologically diverse brain presents? In any case, despite the developmental, social and communication difficulties our daughter lives with, she is a happy and healthy little girl. She enjoys her life and is always learning. Just like her neurotypical siblings.

Look at all that disservice I'm doing these children by denying them the necessity of a classroom

Edited: Days after writing this post we discussed this issue with our daughter's psychologist, paediatrician and autism advisors from Amaze. The advisors and paediatrician recognised home educating as a legitimate choice and saw no reason to change our current approach with our daughter, the advisors emphasised that autism can't be caused or cured by anything a parent does. But what was most reassuring was the psychologist informing us that with an IQ like our daughter has she could not get into a special school even if we tried. It was her professional opinion that we were making the right choice for our daughter's education, that many families with autistic children make the same choice because it is the best way of meeting their learning needs, especially given mainstream schools can't afford to provide autistic students with the support they need. #vindicated

There are worse things than living with Autism

This week we had our daughter's final diagnostic session with her psychologist. Her official opinion is that our girl is indeed autistic. I decided not to go straight home, instead I took the kids to a nearby ('pirate ship!') playground and decided to forget about the world.

Let me sail away from reality for a while...

We were soaking up the Autumn sunshine after a cold and wet morning. I ran around with the kids and enjoyed their happy faces and crazy antics. Usually I'm at the park with them and a group of friends, so I'm busy talking to other parents rather than playing. It was nice to get lost in the moment with the girls, and be a stranger to everyone else at the park.

I had to sit down to feed the baby and an older woman approached me to ask if the school holidays had finished yet, she was holidaying from interstate and thought the children were due back in school.
'They have" I replied, 'we homeschool, that's why my big kids are here today' I explained.
'So what do you make of all these changes in schools?' She asked.
'I think the only way for White Australia and Black Australia to move forward is with an honest understanding of our history, including the ugly.' I replied, thinking she was asking me about the embarrasing controversy* in which white people got upset about university students being asked to refer to English "discovery" of Australia as "invasion".
'No, no, not that. I mean this awful safe schools business.'
'Oh' I found myself dumbfounded.

Safe Schools is a program to educate students about sexual diversity. It introduces students to common sense concepts like respect.
'Well, it's good...it's just life' I began before being interrupted.
 'Children don't need to learn about those sorts of things so young!'
'They already know, that's what I'm saying, it's just life and kids-'
'In this day and age. It's terrible. I never knew about it as a child. Growing up in New Zealand you never met a person like that.'
'Yes you did. You absolutely met gay people, you just didn't realise it.'
What I failed to have the presence of mind to tell her at the time was that she didn't realise she was currently talking to a bisexual woman. But it got worse and in the end it was probably wise I let her think I was heterosexual (though I feel sick about it now...but my bi invisibility as a mother is another matter for another post).

'There are gay children in school right now, and they need support and safety' I said.
'Kids are so suggestable! As I'm sure you know, as a mother. You can make a child think anything' (like that there's no such thing as gay? Yes, I've seen your kind "making children think", despicable, you're the reason we so desperately need the safe school program). She went on: 'I knew a young man who thought he was gay, in university, you know how it is, they get all confused at university. But he's not and he knows that now and he's happily married. So you see..'
I could dissect this one sentence and write an entire post about it alone, but I'll quickly just offer this symphony of hashtags for my critique: #bisexualityisreal #bivisibility #sexualdiversityisntaphase #becausefuckyou

At this point she revealed the completely unsurprising fact that she identifies as a Christian and that she could never be convinced homosexuality was acceptable because it's a sin, plain and simple.
'It's clearly there in The Bible.' She frothed.
I am now suffering a terrible case of the Should-ve-saids...I should have been snarky and said: Well, my Christian friends and I don't base our opinions of the education system on the ramblings of a group of men two thousand years dead. Or I could have memorised this ahead of time:

The West Wing for the win

But I didn't. I must finally be accepting my parent's early teaching: you can't argue with an idiot, because I stayed calm and continued to insert my dissenting opinion when she paused to steal valuable oxygen from the atmosphere.

I despise "The Bible" argument (you might have surmised). Once upon a time I identified as a Christian, myself. During this time I read The Bible and I managed not to turn into an arsehole. There's this guy in The Bible and he's basically The Anti This-woman.
'Yes, but what about the life and teachings of your Christ?' I asked, 'What would Jesus make of the safe school program? What did he have to say about the marginalised people of society? And who did he hang out with?'
'He changed lives! He associated with fallen women and then they stopped working as prostitutes because of him.'
#lostcause

'Have you read The Bible?' she asked indignintly.
'I have' I replied.
'Yes, but have you studied The Bible'
'Yes, I have. I was raised by fundamentalist Christians, I was very devout until I was 20, I'm no longer Christian. But even when I was, I did not interpret the life of Christ the way you have chosen to interpret it'. I said as respectfully as is possible under the circumstances.
'Well I've been reading Revelations. You'll never convince me to turn away from faith. Christ is my saviour.'
Not that I hoped to turn you away from your faith, but you're the one who has completely missed the point of your Messiah!
Another Christian who has yet to "find Jesus"
...there are too many to count.

At this point my recently labelled "autistic" daughter needed her drink bottle re-filled and I had to find a water tap. I had to wrap this exchange up as best I could and as quick as I could before my girl started losing her shit. I went with:
'I think the safe schools program is a step in the right direction, because anything that challenges stigma and shame is good for society.'

I've been reeling ever since. As the girls continued playing, I stood watching them and wondering 'Why???? Why did the universe have to send me a bigot while I was trying to enjoy the park with my kids and process the news that one of them has autism????' Then it struck me...There are worse things than living with autism.

My daughter may find certain aspects of socialisation challenging. She may struggle with fine motor skills, language and comprehension. She may always find new people and places difficult, she may live with anxiety her whole life and be triggered by loud noises and crowds. She may prefer screens over nature walks and My Little Ponies over people. But she is safe and she is loved. She will grow up knowing the feeling of acceptance....she will not have to fear coming out to her family if she is a lesbian or indeed if she is asexual. She will not learn to hate or fear people with different orientations or beliefs from her own.

My daughter is autistic, and her empathy and social skills are still light years ahead of middle-aged conservatives.

So glad I decided to take them to the park

*I'm embarrassed that this was controversial. It is factually incorrect to refer to European arrival as "discovery" given science has shown that the First Australians were here for literally thousands of years before that point! And history has shown us European arrival involved the systematic oppression and mass murder of Indigenous Australians.